"We did what we needed to do."

I have been thinking about marriage today for two reasons: first, it is my husband's and my 42nd anniversary; and second, we saw the movie Evening on Friday afternoon of last week. I believe the reasons for marriage have changed significantly from the 1950's and 1960's until now.

The movie we saw featured an all-star cast including Vanessa Redgrave, Meryl Streep, and Glenn Close. We watched as the dying protagonist goes back in her thoughts to the time of her youth. Her best friend marries a man she does not love, yet she goes on to have three children and a good life with him. She herself also does not marry the man she has a brief affair with due to her desire to have a career and also the guilt she feels when her best friend's brother is killed. She, likewise, lives her life out with two husbands and two daughters and a mediocre singing career. When the best friend returns to say goodbye to her dying friend, she comforts her by saying, "We did what we needed to do." In other words, women during this time period (and mine) often did what society expected: get married, have children, and take care of husband and home.

I have to admit that when I married at age 20 I was also one of these women. My grandmother, whom I lived with for five years while I was in high school, gave me this advice upon my wedding, "Keep a clean house for your husband." At that time, I had no thought of having a career in teaching; I did want a degree but only "to fall back on" in case some catastrophic event happened to my husband. In the mid-sixties, however, our society was about to burst upon cultural changes that no one could have predicted: the influence of opponents of the Viet Nam War, the changing role of women into a new role as feminists, the advent of the hippie movement, and the marches for civil rights in the South. Indeed, just three years after our marriage, my husband and I were caught up and influenced by these cultural movements. No longer would we as women announce, "We did what we needed to do," but instead, "We did what we wanted to do."

I guess as we age we do think more about the choices we made while young. Sociologists frequently ask couples a favorite question, "If you had to do it again, would you marry your spouse again?" For me, it has been a good decision and a good life.