Confirmation

I guess I come from a good heritage of spiritual searchers in my family. Most notably was my mother, Frances, who began to move from her traditional faith of being a Southern Baptist for years to another choice of denominations. I believe her search started, as it does for most of us, because of a church teaching that she could not resolve in her own life. Since divorce was uncommon in the early 1950's, I know she felt a stigma related to her status as a single mother. She was also troubled by the Scripture (Mark 10:ll) where Jesus Himself states, "And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." Mother in her younger years was a vibrant woman who loved dancing, horseback riding, movies, and even boxing matches. The thought of violating one of the ten commandments was troubling, yet she was lonely. I remember her taking us to other churches through the years we lived in Greenville, Mississippi. We visited the Community Church, the Presbyterian Church, the Catholic Church, and others. She read literature on Christian Science. After she remarried when I was seventeen, she settled in on a form of Quaker beliefs, the Plymouth Brethren Church. She literally transformed herself before my sister Judy's and my eyes. The woman who had been very strong and forceful as a single mother was now meek and mild and refused to pray aloud any longer.

My own search away from the Southern Baptist denomination began in 1991 when our daughter told us she was gay. It seems somewhat ironic that we can believe in and espouse the rules of the faith until they begin to conflict with our reason. We still do not have the answer from science as to what causes one to be gay rather than heterosexual, but I have come to believe that one does not choose it; it simply is not a lifestyle choice.

Last week The Arkansas Democrat Gazette ran an article about Bill Clinton's and Jimmy Carter's work within the more moderate American Baptist Association. At the end of the article, the three issues of the Southern Baptist denomination were reiterated: opposition to pro choice decisions, opposition to gays, and support of Israel. I do not have a problem with two of the issues, but I obviously do the third. Southern Baptists like to say continually that they love the sinner and hate the sin. Unless, however, those who are gay feel that love and welcome within the church, it is wasted.

My own struggle the past fifteen years has led me closer to the Episcopal Church because it has two theological items only that all must believe in: the Creation and the Incarnation. Beyond that there is a lot of diversity in what one believes. I recently wrote this poem as I have thought about where I am spiritually today. I still do not have all the answers (and I never will), but I long to read and study more in the Bible about God's mind.

Confirmation

I have sauntered painfully along these downward slopes

kicking against the goads (or, if truth be truth,

against the heart of God Himself).

Away from the church for four years,

I find myself still in limbo.

I pause among the lingering shadows of summertime

only to awaken to the reality that winter has arrived,

and I need to feel the penetrating sun rays instead.

I perform the one half way ritual at the

bottom of the path and check the time: twenty-three minutes.

As I start the somewhat steep ascent back home,

I reflect upon my path.

I walk north on Mondays, south on Tuesdays,

followed by an east-west hike on Wednesdays.

The cycle repeats itself for the next three days.

As I arrive home, I find the second half of my walk

has taken just twenty-one minutes.

Why is it that going downhill takes longer

than the walk upward and back to You?

Why do I keep tracing the sign of the cross repeatedly

as I search for answers?

I come to the door and knock.

You open the door and remarkably take me in

just as I am.