Parenting 1 - 2 -3 -4

My husband and I have just returned from a three-day visit with my father-in-law who resides in an assisted-living facility in Wichita. P-Pa (as our children called him through the years) is now ninety-three and a half. We were a bit surprised as we told him goodbye that he had no idea who we were. The memory and knowledge though in our minds of who he is remains just as strong as ever.

As I think about the types of parents (and grandparents) in the world, I would probably classify my own father as a type one. He is the parent, due to his alcoholism and an early divorce from my mother, who supplied the biological sperm for my conception but little else. I barely remember him, and the times he came into our lives were usually always negative. He was there to ask for money to get to the next location. On one occasion, however, I remember somehow that he came to my cousin Betty Jean's house for either Thanksgiving or Chrismas dinner. I was about thirteen I think. It seemed to be uncomfortable for all of us.

The type of parent my father-in-law is reflects type two. He is the parent who provided what the family needed from a physical standpoint. He worked at Boeing Aircraft for most of his adult life as a draftsman. While he provided food for the family as well as shelter, he did not provide any emotional sustenance. He fit the stereotype of fathers from the past who simply "brought home the bacon." He did not understand the need of his twelve-year-old son for a ten-speed bike with racing tires for Christmas. Instead he gave him a one-speed Green Hornet with rubber tires for his newspaper route. In most ways, my husband and I both had absentee fathers.

My husband and I have most likely been type three parents. By this, I mean we provided as much support spiritually, emotionally, and physically for our children as possible, but we had expectations and goals set before them in order to receive our love. We loved conditionally. Since our parents were not ideal, we wanted our children to receive everything we did not have as children. When our daughter told us she was a lesbian, I wanted to withdraw love until she decided to be otherwise. Obviously, that was not a successful parenting strategy.

In my opinion, the truly ideal type of parent is type four. This parent loves and loves and loves. This parents sets no conditions when chldren reveal that they are not living up to expectations, goals, and dreams of their parents. I believe that is the type of love called "agape" in the Greek language and exhibits the love that many of us would like to exhibit. It's God's love for us. It's the highest and purest form of love.

As we left Wichita and thought about the reality of not being known anymore by the person who has known us the longest, we determined to be more intentional about becoming type four parents still (and grandparents).